


My Immortal But It's Fate/Apocrypha

by twodimensionaltrash



Series: The Chaldea Collection [4]
Category: Fate/Apocrypha, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: As in it's literally My Immortal, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, References to My Immortal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-06-29 11:20:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19829113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twodimensionaltrash/pseuds/twodimensionaltrash
Summary: Chapter-by-chapter, nearly line-by-line My Immortal but Fate/Apocrypha's storyline. Basically. Sort-of.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/499135) by Tara Gilesbie. 



> May the heavens forgive me for the sins I am committing.

Hello. My name is Semiramis. I have long ebony black hair. That's how I got my name. It falls in locks that reach my lower-back, and I have golden eyes like limpid tears of sunset. A lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (Alter).

I’m not related to Gilgamesh in any way, but I often wish I was. I find him to be a major hottie, as the kids might say. I’m a queen, but my nails are long and pointed like a druid. I'm attending a ritual magic ceremony in Romania known as the Holy Grail War, where I’m participating in my seventh this year. I'm 2500BC-ish, you see. I have expensive taste in clothes. I'm basically a model for Uruk Outfitters, which has more than enough scarves to satisfy my dark tastes for cold dessert nights.

“Hey Semi,” called a voice in the distant echoes of the Throne of Heroes. I looked up. It was… Shirou Kotomine!

"What is it, Kotomine?" I asked. My brow furrowed, and my pointed ears twitched as a rabbit's might.

"Nothing," he said. His face contorted into disgust. Was it my ears?

But then I heard an incapacitated Master call me and I had to go away.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day I woke up in my crypt and peeked out a hole in the foundation. It was snowing and raining again. Snaining, if you would. I opened my crypt and stepped into my chambers while sipping wine from the bottle I kept at my bedside for difficult nights. My crypt was of cement walls and sandstone floors for cushioned sleep. I slept with an array of black pillows around me in a sheer black nightgown which I used for pyjamas. Instead, I put on a black silk gown, a feathered necklace, high heels, and translucent stockings on. I styled my hair into these kind of bulky pigtails with thick black ribbons and put on my black eyeliner and mascara.

My friend Atalante woke up from her own crypt then and grinned at me. She flipped waist-length green hair with gold highlights over her ears (because she’s a furry) and opened her emerald eyes. She put on an ocean-green dress, elbow-length black gloves, and high-heeled hunting boots.

"My gods, I saw you talking to Kotomine yesterday," she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I blushed.

"Do you like Shirou Kotomine?" she asked as we left the Red common room and entered the Apocrypha Hall.

"No, I certainly do not!" I shouted.

"Yeah, right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Kotomine walked up to us.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi, I replied flirtily.

"Guess what?" he said.

"You are in the mood to commit treasonous acts of revolution?" I asked.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said. "What?"

"Well, the Good Goldies are having a concert in Uruk," he told me.

"Oh. My. Gods." I shrieked. I loved Good Goldies. They were my favorite band, besides 80s hair metal band Poison.

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to see any t o x i c fandom members poisoning my good wholesome fanfiction that's definitely an original work. BTW I don't own the characters and Good Goldies isn't a real band but I bet you believed it was hahaha yeah totally a real band with real members and songs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, science has gone too far. Thank you for asking.

On the night of the concert, I wore strappy stilettos with steel heels. Underneath them were sheer black fishnets. Then I put on a thin silk minidress with lace along the collar and bottom hem. I put on matching fingerless gloves on my arms. I tried to brush my hair out but it was all poofy from the pigtail things so I tied it into one big ponytail with black silk ribbons. I felt anxious about seeing a show with my Master during a Holy Grail War so I drank a full Natty Daddy. It tasted like urine. I listened to Good Goldies while I waited for the gas station beer buzz. I had time to paint my nails black and line my eyes with ink from the well on my desk. Then I put on some pale lip gloss. I considered wearing foundation but decided against it because I already sparkled in the sunlight.

I snuck out of the Apocrypha Hall. Shirou Kotomine was waiting for me in front of his Hot Wheels motorcycle with Black Keys poking out of the tires like he was going to cheat in a drag race or something. He was wearing black pants, a white t-shirt, and a heavy black rosary around his neck. His hair was all spiky like mine earlier but it was white and looked like he got electrocuted.

“Kotomine,” I greeted intoxicatedly. The air smelled like horse ass. “What’s that terrible odor?”

“Semiramis,” he greeted back. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Maybe it was the Natty Daddy on my breath. I should’ve brushed my teeth. He straddled his black Hot Wheels (the license plate said ‘FATHER’) and told me to ride behind him.

“Should I call you ‘Father’ or “Daddy’?” I asked. He ignored me.

We fast traveled to Uruk. On the way we listened to Good Goldies and gospel music with guitars and accordions and kazoos for some reason. Kotomine said he had a Simple PlanTM he wanted to talk to me about when we got to Uruk but he forgot because he was smoking weird Iranian tobacco and I was buzzed. When we got there, we both stumbled off the Hot Wheels. We went to the dance floor at the front of the stage and boogied as we listened to Good Goldies. They did a cover of a Disney song that the rights must've cost at least three sacrifices for because they changed the lyrics and unless you're pitching something like that as a parody the court is going to laugh in your face on Fair Use matters.

“Gilgamesh is quite handsome in person,” I said to Kotomine, moving to the music as he sang, filling the city with his amazing voice that didn’t sound at all like he was insulting me when he sang like when he talked in interviews or anything.

Suddenly Kotomine looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as I twirled on a steel heel. Then I caught on. “It’s not as though I like him better than you.”

“Really?” Kotomine asked. He wrapped an arm around my waist to return to position but it was all protective and close.

“Really,” I said. “Besides, I don’t even know Gilgamesh personally and he’s been with that Enkidu person… clay… forever. I can’t stand that person clay. Clay person,” I said disgustedly, picturing their stupid green hair.

The night went on really well and we both had an excellent time. After the concert, Kotomine and I drank far too much wine and asked Gilgamesh and Ozymandias for their autographs and selfies with them. We got GG concert tees. We crawled back to the Hot Wheels, but Kotomine didn’t take us back to Romania. Instead, we took the motorcycle across a space-time wrinkle all the way into… Russia!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stop being t o x i c, okay? Semi should go by Seme because Kotomine is her u k e and he is SO in love with her that he's acting in deference and they knew each other before the story, ok?

“Kotomine!” I shouted, “What the H*CK do you think you are doing?!”

Kotomine didn’t answer, but he stopped the Hot Wheels and demounted it. He looked at me all uncertain like he didn’t know bad words would be censored by the Closed Captioning program. I also demounted the Hot Wheels, curiously.

“What the h*cking h*ck?!” I asked angrily. Why do the English subtitles always use asterisks?

“Semiramis?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Kotomine leaned in extra-close and I looked into his amber gold eyes like dragon eggs (he must have stolen them from Fafnir) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and self-loathing bitterness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I gasped in surprise, Kotomine kissed me passionately like he should’ve in the light novels. He climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a rock at the drilling site we were in, then he put his Black Keys into my lock and we transferred mana for the first time.

“Oh!” I screamed. I was beginning to get more power. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…

“WHAT THE H*CK ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERH*CKERS?!”

It was… Jeanne D’Arc!


	5. Chapter 5

Jeanne made Kotomine and I follow her. She kept shouting at us angrily. We didn’t ask how she knew we were in Russia. I blamed the Grail.

“You ludacris, heretical fools!” she shouted angrily.

I started to cry tears of poison down my pallid face. Kotomine comforted me. When we got back to Romania after a threeway ride on Kotomine’s Hot Wheels (not like that, you heathen), Jeanne dragged us to Caster of Black and Lancer of Red, who were both looking very not-happy. But Caster, Avicebron, always wore a mask so maybe he wasn’t and Lancer, Karna, only had one facial expression which was unamused.

“I found them transferring mana over the border in Russia!” Jeanne declared in a furious voice like Kotomine and I didn’t already know that he put his Black Keys in my--

“Why would you ever do such a thing, you subpar Servants?” asked Karna. He muttered under his breath something about Russia being the bigger and strictly worse Romania but that was just anti-Soviet propaganda.

“How could you destroy the sanctity of the Holy Grail War?” demanded Avicebon.

And then Kotomine grabbed fistfuls of his hair and whipped out his big Black Keys and pointed them at Avicebron. “Because I love her!”

We all got quiet. Jeanne and Karna still looked mad as h*ck but Avicebron rubbed his forehead and waved us off.

“Fine. Very well. You may go to your own rooms,” he said.

Kotomine and I snuck upstairs while the Holy Maiden burned holes in the back of my head like I was on the stake or something. Karna looked unamused still and Avicebron was basically a statue so I don’t know what he was feeling.

Before we parted ways, Kotomine took my hands in his. “Are you alright, Semiramis?”

“Yes, I suppose I am,” I lied. I returned to the Red side of the Apocrypha Castle in silence, head hung in shame. It took me a long while to drink enough poison to convince myself to go get ready for bed. I changed into a fluffy black towel with gold embellishments and left my shoes at the foot of my crypt. I headed to the communal restroom but then…

Kotomine was standing at the stony entrance, and he started to sing some gospel hymn at least 2,000 years younger than me. I had no idea what he was talking about but I was so flattered. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said good night, and he lingered on me before going back to his room.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day I awoke in my crypt. I slipped on a black skirt that billowed to the floor that was all ripped around the end, as well as a matching sheer black top with black straps covering my chest and steel-heeled stilettos. I wore three pairs of earrings, all of which were bird-themed. I had one set of feathers and one set of wings and one set of realistic birds. I pinned my hair up into a towery updo that made me get stuck in door frames.

In the Greater Hall, breakfast was served as a family style buffet, where I stuffed myself on a make-your-own omelette that was steak and cheese and broccoli because I was healthy and I drank a glass of steak juice with it. Suddenly someone bumped into me and spilled my steak juice all over my sheer top and it got on my you-know-whats.

“You bastard!” I spat, shaking out my bloody hands. “You idiot. You absolute buffoon. How could you possibly knock over a delicate beautiful flower such as myself?!”

I regretted my words the moment I looked up. I was staring into the sunken face of a tired man with thick white waves of hair curtaining him like he was hiding. His frown was so deep I thought his jaw might fall off. His horns and wings were tucked away. But his sapphire eyes were narrowed. He looked exactly like Sigurd did not. He was so sexy that my body heated up, a bit like being in heat, but I am a human and he is part dragon so it is his species that would be in heat, not mine.

“I apologize,” he muttered under his breath.

“I don’t believe you,” I said. But I still felt kind of bad. I looked at him skeptically. “Who do you think you are? What do you call yourself?”

“Siegfried,” he grumbled. He didn’t look at me. “Although most people call me Dragon Slayer these days.”

I gasped. “Why?!” I exclaimed.

“Because I slayed dragons.”

“Well, I… have never slain a dragon,” I confessed.

“Really?” he inquired. He didn't look surprised. 

“Yes, really,” I hissed.

Dragon Slayer sat down next to me to talk for a while. I almost forgot I was covered in meat juice. Then Kotomine came up behind me and whispered seductively in my ear about a surprise he had for me, and so I had to depart with him. For some reason he looked back at Dragon Slayer as we left.


End file.
